What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 03:46
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What are the ten cars that make me no longer feel inferior?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What it is like to have sex with a relative woman?
But, we were locked up after school.
It was going to be , some day.
This is soul school!.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do some children hate their parents?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im still living with it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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My family never makes their pension either.
We all went to grammer schools
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
All the time i was locked up.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We were not on the streets..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot live in the past .
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But it wasn’t much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So, i spoilt her more .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I have no regrets .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ive learnt so much.
What did i know ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was in good health!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
Was to survive, this bastard.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She wouldn,t have been !
Who then, do I blame.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Put me off passion for life!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So whats the point in blame.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She found it foreign!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i do to all so called friends.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I think the readers, may guess!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.